So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
