yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
