Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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