the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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