Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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