At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
