I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
