No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
