He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Randomize
