i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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