Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
