Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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