Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Randomize
