There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Liz is crying about burritos again.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
