I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
It's official drugs can't kill me
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Randomize
