am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Randomize
