I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
