im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
