I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
