sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
im on a boat
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