LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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