We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
