so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I am naked and annoyed.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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