we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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