sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
