Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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