WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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