This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
