Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
