My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
