he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
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