just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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