I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
