I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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