I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
