Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
