If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
