Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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