i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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