i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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