It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
