She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Enjoy the penises
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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