omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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