so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
