i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
