cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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