First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
