I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
