Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
