Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
