there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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