so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
