Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Randomize
