I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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